Mother Siluana: On the need to be recognized
The secret here is to learn to pay attention to people. Not to please them! But simply to pay attention to them and listen to them.
Question:
How can we rid ourselves of the unhappiness caused by our need to be recognized?
Mother Siluana:
First of all, we need to not feel guilty for having this need. The need to be valued, to be appreciated, to be praised is in us through our creation. God made us persons - beautiful, good, wonderful creatures. And He looked us in the eyes, He appreciated us, and He loved us. And so there is in us this need for appreciation.
When this need is not fulfilled, it usually happens because we want to smell the flowers with our ears. We need to enjoy the fragrance of flowers, but we stick a flower in our ear and say: “It doesn’t smell at all!” This is the main reason we suffer for not being recognized.
You go to a conference where there are many people, and 99% of them appreciate you, but there is one who makes a face at you. Then you go back home feeling hopeless that “they didn’t like me!” If one of them even says some nasty words about you, then nobody loves you anymore!
Johnny went home and said:
“Mom, all the kids laughed at me today because of my t-shirt!”
“Really, all of them? Who laughed?”
“Well, one of them laughed!”
And so I may look for unanimous appreciation, I may want to be recognized, but others don’t want me. There are people who are “unlucky” in love because from hundreds of available people, they choose the one who doesn’t want them. I want Johnny to love me, but Johnny has other things to do.
Then, it depends on what we understand by recognition. If you tell me what you don’t like or what hurts you in my behavior, I trust that you recognize me and value me, that you have trust in me, because I care about you and I want to do a good job. And I don’t expect you to praise me - in fact, if someone praises you, expect hard times to come upon you!
And so, we need to learn to seek appreciation where it is offered to us, but more so, we need to show appreciation. And when you learn to pay attention, it is impossible that you will not be paid attention to. Appreciation comes because I am present for you, and you are present for me - it doesn’t come because you are doing certain things.
I might appreciate the results of your work. But I might not see you. I might appreciate your talents. But I might not see you. You are the best woman for me. But someone had the best woman for 15 years, and then he had enough and divorced her. I asked him:
“What color are the eyes of your wife?”
“How should I know? I don’t know.”
“You never looked at her eyes?”
“Why should I have looked at her eyes? She is a good woman, hard working, a good lover, but now I don’t like her anymore. What do I care about the color of her eyes?”
So what do we value? We value what is offered to us - but then the other becomes the object of my needs and pleasures. Of course, others will not value me, and will stay with me only as long as I offer something, as long as I am the object of certain of their expectations.
The secret here is to learn to pay attention to people. Not to please them! But simply to pay attention to them and listen to them. I might listen to someone with aberrant ideas - if I have time. If I don’t have time, I will tell him: “Not now, but we can meet tomorrow, then you can tell me your ideas”; then I listen to him attentively and tell him: “No.” It is so simple. But we think that if we listen to people, we agree with them. No! But we gain experience, and then we know how to talk to other people, what expectations they have from life and from us, we get to know them. And they feel understood, valued, and not rejected.
And then, when we learn to be connected to grace…God is so present, and He teaches us what to do at every moment. But He doesn’t give me the answer, He doesn’t speak in my ear; He simply opens my eyes, unplugs my ears, enhances my taste buds.
Translated from:
"First of all, we need to not feel guilty for having this need."
Some people interpret this advice as being too permissive with ourselves, out of pride or the fear of slacking off, but, loving and straightforward as always, Mother Siluana is addressing that kind of guilt and self-criticism that is neurotic, unhealthy, and we mistake it for humility: "I should be better, I shouldn't have needs, sins, etc... versus the healthy guilt of repentance, "Lord, look at me, I am needy, help me, come into my need and fill it in with Your grace."
This was something I have been struggling with lately. I realize my flaws, but I also work hard to be a good man, and I wish people would realize this. I felt guilty, however, for wanting recognition for my actions. I see now that this is not a need to be ashamed of, but that I should not expect praise for my actions, but rather notice people, and then people will also come to know and care about you.
Thank you for the translation +