God does not accuse us

Fr. Rafail Noica on St. Silouan's despair

Many people who spoke with me had a heavy conscience, an awareness of sin in which they felt accused, and accused in a way that they were despairing; they no longer saw the light, they no longer saw God, they no longer saw any possibility—sometimes a temptation comes that says “oh eternity is just a story; it doesn’t exist. Love is a chimera, etc., etc.” 

A person can also see himself more or less fully in a situation from which he can’t escape. I want to talk about one of the aspects we must understand and have in sight: God also accused Silouan—forgive me for taking this direction—God said “the proud suffer from demons.” After 15 years of titanic battles against demons night and day, now God comes and burdens me with condemnation!? No, God’s word doesn’t burden me, and I want to say that if the word of my condemnation in my conscience brings me that type of despair, then it means that that word is not from God. If it’s not from God, then we must learn to not even listen to it. In confession, a woman said, “Father, I confess that my conscience says and it is written in the devil’s ledger that…” and I said, “Stop!” All that is written in the devil’s ledger, as true as it may be objectively, is a lie. If the devil says that I am a monk, then it is a lie. If God says that I am not a monk, then from His mouth I will receive it—I am not. 

But if a word gives you hope and strength to go further, to confront and overcome the thing that God reveals to you—it doesn’t make you despair but shows you what you must escape, what the next step is. The devil gives it to you in order to destroy you, and the devil spoon feeds you in order to destroy you; the devil condemns you in order to destroy you; the devil tells you things that in reality are true, that you did such and such a thing, but the spirit in which he does it makes it a lie. And I would like to draw your attention to this, and may God enlighten you, because in a short talk we can’t explain everything, but keep this in sight: there is a conscience that condemns me, but if it doesn’t bear a divine characteristic, learn to not obey it. I don’t glorify myself; I don’t condemn myself, except before God my Creator, my Judge, Who saved me before judging me. 

And so I believe the great Saints, and those we don’t know about, passed through the toll houses without even observing them; as Christ says, they passed directly from death to life—those who believe in Him. And I believe that the great Saints who passed directly from death to life learned during their life to not listen to the voice of the enemy. And if these aerial toll houses are demons that condemn us for one thing or another–you see in some icons a singer with a soul, an angel that sings and a devil that wants to come and do who knows what, and an angel that pushes the devil aside–something of this is true. So if these toll houses are demons that accuse us of things we know well that we did and that we are who knows what, if we know that lies come from their mouths, then we must learn from this moment to not listen to them: “I don’t talk to you; I talk to God.” And I wouldn’t even say “with you, the devil.” I’d say “to You, God. Lord, I don’t talk to him, I talk to You,” so that we make God the second person and then our words become a prayer. And let’s not make the devil the second person, so as to not commune with him. And this thought is taken from Saint Silouan who talks about people, Saints, who could speak with the devil—Saint Anthony the Great, Christ Himself in the wilderness and at other times. And Silouan says that it’s better to not even talk to them because even if we have this communion with them we will not leave clean—something of their atmosphere, the energies in which they exist, will stick to us.

I would say, Lord help us, I believe in what I said and I will say what I believe, and forgive me because I am not that way, but I will share something with you I believe: we don’t need to be afraid of demons. We avoid talking to them not out of fear but based on the fact that I decided that this world is not mine–the devil’s world, the world of lies, the virtual world. I choose, I want my world to be God’s world–the world of life. 

Such that when we become aware of sin within us, and I will make a parenthesis, you see that around us is a world that does the most terrible, most demonic things. They don’t care, well and good, they dress nicely, go to the cinema, have a good time, and how many millions of people died because of the devil’s words. 

I want to highlight what Elder Sophrony says somewhere, the entire tradition of the Church: the awareness of sin is the presence of grace. It is the presence of grace without grace. A person doesn’t become aware of his sin. Maybe you observed that in our journey, in our becoming, at one point in our lives we didn’t realize that I don’t know what within us was sinful, and maybe after years of communion, confession we can’t do it anymore, something thinned [became more spiritual] within us, and sometimes we think “Lord how could I have done that or thought that?” Our awareness develops and this comes from grace. Elder Sophrony says that without grace a person can’t see his sin, and he goes further to say that the awareness of one’s sin is the beginning of true contemplation. What takes place? To see your sins—and here I’d again like to encourage Christians—to see your sins is very painful, but much more important than the sin itself is the fact that I see. 

Many who came to me said:

 “Father, I see that I am such and such a way.”

I tested them and asked them: “what do you think the most important word you said in confession was?” 

“That I am proud?”

“No.”

“That I do this?”

“No.”

“That I do that?” 

“No. That you see.” 

You say you see that you are proud? Silouan saw that it was impossible for him to be saved to the ages of ages, and he saw it clearly. Well, he saw! Of course, because he endured, and I don’t know what he did to not jump out the window, to not kill himself, but he didn’t do it. He cried to God: “You are unyielding!” But I don’t know how he survived that moment. He survived it, the time for Vespers came, and after Vespers he sees Christ alive in front of the icon. Of course, because if he could see his sin to the extreme—I am unable to be saved to the ages of ages, and in vain do I cry to an unyielding God, Who is deaf, Who doesn’t exist; I release words into the air and nothing happens—of course, I am making a scenario that we to greater or lesser degrees experience in such moments, but he experienced everything, to the extreme.

 

Yes, but it’s important that he began to see, and of course, two hours later he saw Christ in front of the icon. Why? Because he had developed his spiritual sight. And that’s why I dare to say that it’s much more important that we see than the ugliness and pain of what we see. And may the Lord’s grace strengthen us in this, to remember that I wouldn’t be able to see what I see now as a sin if there wasn’t grace. If there’s grace it means that this God Who doesn’t exist, Whom I don’t feel, don’t see, don’t believe in—many confessed, “Father, I lost my faith”–it’s a stage that we all must go through at one point in our life; it’s a toll house; it’s a moment of testing, like all others. 

“Do you want to stay like that?”

“No, I don’t want to.”

“Good, then we will see what God will bring us and on what path He will lead us out of unbelief, and I don’t know what other sins.” 

And as painful, as shameful, as horrible, as disgusting as what I see in myself may be, it is much more important that I see, and from there I can go further. How can I be healed of my sin, or better said how can I escape the pit of sin, the hell in which I am if I don’t see, if I don’t know that I’m in a pit? And if I know then I will find a way out—not I, but Christ God in me as Saint Paul says, because we can’t base our strength, our understanding on our culture, logic, monastic experience of 180 years or however long I was in the monastery—three years. No, it is the grace of God in me that will do this. Yes, I can’t do anything, but without me seeing, and without me making a choice, the right choice, God Almighty can’t do anything in me. 

For many years I had a question. I observed certain things and wondered: what is the powerlessness of the All-Powerful? A contradiction of terms, of course. I am the kind of person who understands quickly but to whom you must explain something for a long time, and this meant that I had to sit with this question for many years until one day I realized that the powerlessness of the All-Powerful is your lack of repentance. And alongside a lack of repentance, I’d also say your choice, if it isn’t a divine choice.