Elder Sofian: "It was as if I were flying, even though I was in prison."

I forgave everyone, and I could pray for them. I almost no longer felt the suffering they inflicted on me.

Humility: Gateway to the Kingdom

(excerpt from Smerenia si Dragostea)

To the measure that you have a humble and contrite heart, you become more free within, and then God descends into you. Our purpose on earth is to fill ourselves with God. And we cannot fill ourselves with God except through humility. This must be the foundation of our life. Humility means that you bring God beside you in everything. We are not fulfilled through shallow pride, but only through humility. To live in humility means to live a genuine life, but to live in pride is an artificial life. Therefore, each time you are humbled, bear it and pray: “Lord, receive this humiliation in place of the humility I lack. Redeem my humiliation, my pride from which I cannot free myself by my own will.”

I was imprisoned in the communist prisons and only God knows how unjust it was there - how much hate, how much evil. It is as though you cannot even describe it in words. When I was greatly tormented, I tried to not revolt, to not protest. I thought to myself: “Come now, let me remember what mistakes I made before God, for which I am suffering this injustice.” And I thought about different sins of mine, which only God and I knew; so I saw the suffering as a penance, and I did not revolt. I thought that I also am bad, fallen, and sinful in the eyes of God, that maybe I am worse than all the guards combined. I thought that maybe if I were better, they would not be as bad; thus, I too was guilty for their evil. When I thought in this way, I no longer felt any bit of revolt in my heart. I forgave everyone, and I could pray for them. I almost no longer felt the suffering they inflicted on me. I tell you honestly that when I could do all this and could think of my sins, I felt such a great joy in my heart, and a peace, and a wealth of love. It was as if I were flying, although I was in prison.  

I tell you in all sincerity: I believe, with all of my being, that God is good! I have always felt this. In prison, I found all of my guiltiness before God, even the most subtle aspects, and God was very present in my life; He was always very alive and very good - truly very good! Maybe I was not so guilty. Maybe others were guilty too since we were all there, behind bars. However, I was not interested at all in their sins. I was not interested if others were or were not to blame, and neither am I interested in this now.   

I was so preoccupied with seeing my sins, that even at night I talked in my sleep and asked God for forgiveness. And the same guards who watched the doors listened by the bars to what I was saying. And the next day they would call me into an interrogation and tell me what I had said in my sleep because of my spiritual turmoil. At night I said: “Lord, forgive me a sinner!” And during the day they shouted at me: “Sinner! Sinful priest!” And they repeated to me all that I had said at night in my dreams - God knows how. 

This is what I wanted to say: it is very important for us to know our unworthy state before God. We must not blame anyone except ourselves. We must always repent with all of our heart. I cannot remember those who did evil to me in my life. I remember them, yet I do not have anything against them. I do not bring to mind painful memories. If I do not find myself guilty in a real way, and I do not repent from the depths of my soul, I cannot pray more deeply and I cannot have full joy in prayer. If you have these two - humility and forgiveness of others - you will begin to feel how you acquire something within yourself from God, something extraordinary! Only the Holy Spirit can bring this “something” in our heart.

I did not hate any of the enemies which oppressed us, and I never regretted that I was imprisoned. They needed me there as well, so that along with our Romanian brothers we could suffer together under the wrath that came upon the country. Seek to do as much good as possible around you, love your neighbours, pray as much as possible with the Jesus Prayer, do not speak badly of anyone, and in this way you will have peace of heart. May the Good God and the Mother of God help you unceasingly, in any place you find yourselves!